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Thanks to [ profile] nakedtoes for commenting on the first quotes list! Here's the rest:

Daniel said, "I've been thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure there's a Teal'c in some universe who's a disco king."

- Daniel, Nearing Wichita – Otter

"Everyone okay?" I called out. The replies rang out in the darkness.
"Yes, sir."
"I am uninjured."
"I think I broke my glasses. Wait, no, I didn't."
That last was from Daniel, the best argument in favour of contact lenses you'll ever meet.

- O’Neill, Carter, Teal’c, Daniel, The Midas Syndrome - Rheanna

"Captain Carter, we had our reasons for assigning Colonel O'Neill to this mission...."
Carter pointed through the control room window to where a man was kissing the bottom of the ramp and chanting 'there's no place like home, there's no place like home....'.

- Col. West, Carter, O’Neil, The Truth Between Friends – Ruth M. King.

Earth's Stargate was buried beneath the rubble that had once been Cheyenne Mountain, so they'd done it the old fashioned way. Which actually turned out to be pretty cool. Jack wasn't exactly certain of the distances involved, but he was aware the Asgard could really shift ass when they wanted to.

- Jack (stuck in a funky time loop), Naked II – Ruth M. King

So all in all, getting Sam and Jack to bonk like the horny little bunnies they are took a great deal of planning and maneuvering. Lots and lots of effort on my part.
I think that more than makes up for the Christmas, three birthdays, and Eighth Annual SG-1 Anniversary Type Day ("Jack, can't we please just call it an anniversary? Would that really be such a bad thing?" "Uh, yeah?") I missed. Besides, they had Jonas to kick around in my place. And Jonas is... nice. Very smart. Loyal. Smiles a lot.

...Little punk took my office.

- Daniel (internal monologue), Confessions of the Formerly Ascended – B. Cavis

Which reminded her, Daniel was never, never, allowed to rent movies without supervision again. For someone so intellectual, Daniel was a goldfish. When it came to movies, anything bright and shiny could completely captivate his attention.

- Sam (internal monologue), Plurality – indie

He swallowed thickly and she knew that if he weren't so damn tan that she'd be able to see him blush. "Carter, I don't know what the NID stealin' your panties has to do with my sweatshirt," he bluffed.

- Jack, Plurality – indie

But getting twitchy won’t help matters, so he sits back and does his best to relax. He can’t find a way off this rock, that much he has already accepted. So it’s up to Carter to find him. He has perfect faith in her, but he also wishes she’d hurry the hell up.

- Jack (internal monologue), Sentiments – indie

That was wrong. As he slid in once again, Sam Carter knew that was wrong. Because while Jack had his hands on her breasts and his lips on her neck and his dick buried inside of her, he did not (and she was beginning to rack up a lot of experience with this sort of thing) as a rule, beep.

- Sam, Coitus Interruptus – Ana Lyssie Cotton

Cassie snorted. "Please. You think I don't know you two are doing it every chance you get?"
Oh, that was so wrong. "Cass?"
"Jack?" She matched his tone exactly. He'd maybe taught her a little too well when she was younger -- his own damn fault.
"Please don't ever say that again."
Now Sam snorted, right into her orange juice.
"Say what, Jack? Doing it? Having sex? Going at it like greased weasels? Getting horizontal? Making loooooove?"

- Cassie, Jack, Domestication – nanda

Jack got to keep right on complaining about being dragged on a healthy outing -- not because he meant it, but because Sam's exasperated-but-affectionate expression had always been one of his very favorites. He did finally remember to ask where her car remote was during the half-hour drive: she'd accidentally brought it offworld and it had been confiscated (and subsequently lost) with all of her gear. He had a funny image of some future Daniel finding it on P3W-571 in a few hundred years and being very, very confused.

- Jack, Domestication – nanda

When Daniel had become an archaeologist, more than anything it was an attempt cling to the memory of his parents. He was young when they died and the memories faded fast, until all he could remember was the taste of sand and the sound of laughter.

At no point had his career decision been made in the hope of jumping out of an airplane while sandwiched between two men.

- Daniel, Indiana Jackson and the Temple of Doom Part IV – danvers

"Okay, I spy, with my little eye," Daniel heard Jack say for the hundredth time. "Something beginning with-"

Daniel heard Jack's strangled choke and then Teal'c saying, "You will walk in silence now."

- Jack, Teal’c, Indiana Jackson…– danvers

“Nothing to report?” Hammond asked.
“We went, we saw, we got drenched,” Jack quipped.
“We slept on hard rocks, we walked,” Sam added.
“I get the point,” Hammond smiled. “Permission granted. Then report to the Infirmary. Debrief at 1500.”
“Six hours,” Jack smiled. “That’s one hell of a shower.”
“You are not spending six hours in there,” Sam replied as they walked out.
“Why not?”
“You sing.”
“I do not!” he protested.
“Yes, you do,” Daniel added.
“Extremely badly,” Teal’c offered.

- Team, Shattered Illusions – Jen

Five-Minute Stargate: Fire and Water

[SG-1 exits the Stargate.]
O'Neill: We're back!
Carter: We're wet!
Teal'c: We're post-traumatic!

- Nan

"Sir... do you have a headache?"
"No. You do?"
Not a headache, per se. More like an angry, club-waving giant that had been squished inside her skull and told to have some fun and not to worry about the neighbors. "Yessir."

- Carter, O’Neill, Missing Something – Jojo

This was so surreal. This was beyond surreal, actually. She just bet this was another alien plot. If she shot Daniel now he would surely revert to some cockroach-like alien thing and her life would start to make sense again.

- Carter (internal monologue), Too Many Generals – Jojo

Now he suspected his face was just as red as hers. Not that he could even check how red she was at the moment; his tray of food was suddenly fascinating and God, why had he said any of that? Why couldn't he have kept his mouth shut? Why-? He surprised himself by speaking. "I should go." The chicken breast on his plate was mocking him; he was sure of it. It looked just like General Hammond's head.
Huh. Sounded like something that would turn up as an article in one of Teal'c's papers. 'My Meal Looks Like My Boss', punctuated with six exclamation marks.

- Jack (internal), Spoken – Suz

She'd held Daniel back as he went after the Colonel. Partly because she sensed that the Colonel wasn't in a mood to be interrupted, and partly because she knew the Colonel wasn't in a mood to be interrupted by Daniel.

- Sam, Hostage Situation Part I – SelDear

"Carter, Teal'c, let's go." O'Neill depressed the button of his radio. "We're going in, Daniel."
Daniel's voice echoed in their earpieces, "Got it. Sending in the clowns. I mean, the troops."

- O’Neill, Daniel, Hostage Situation Part II – SelDear

He'd been warned that going public might complicate his life, which was like saying getting hit by a staff blast might be a little painful.

- Daniel (internal), Encoded – Tallulah Rasa

We tripped out of the gate onto P5C-421. The sun was shining, grass was green--always nice to see--and there were a lot of frogs.

"There are a lot of...frogs," said Daniel, off to my right. And then: "Oh god."

I looked over, then down at his boots where he was staring. "I'm sure it was over quick," I said. I decided then not to point out the frog-free zone that ran like a smoking stripe down the center of the steps. I'm a kind man when I want to be. Thoughtful, even.

- Jack POV, Daniel, Tasting the Earth – Anna S

He had a point, though. Wasn't much else to do but talk. That's how he always wore me down. He started with simple statements. We should be able to cultivate the wheat, Jack. There might be more artifacts over that next hill, Jack. Jack, I'd like to drag this heavy fucking loom five miles through the rain to the hut, oh but wait, could you do it, because I've got to carry these pots. Then if I disagreed, I'd get the talk. Talk, talk, talk. And in fact he was still talking now. I ignored him and hoped he'd shut up.

- Jack POV, No Man is Born an Angler – Anna S

A bonafide Stargate JOKE!

"Did you see that guy Sam's dating? They should have named him Celery."

"Why, because he's so bland?"

"No, because he's such a stalker."


- splash_the_cat, posted to nanda’s journal

And we interrupt the SG quote archive for a little Mulder/Scully banter from the Zombie!fic-a-thon La La La 2004.

“Oh, c'mon, Scully! Zombies! Isn't this just a little cool?" Mulder raised an eyebrow at her, and she resisted the urge to hit him on the head with the butt of her gun.

"If we die here, Mulder, I'm going to kill you."

- cofax (Hey, Stargate author, it counts!)

Colonel Robert Makepeace sat on the stool, his arms crossed over his chest. He stared at Jack, fighting to remind himself that the person lying restrained on the bed wasn't his friend and half-hearted rival, but the personification of evil. They'd sat like this for almost an hour, each silently ignoring the other. And about the only thing Bob was regretting was his second cup of coffee this morning.

- Makepeace, Jack (possessed by Jolinar), Evolutions series – Denise

So they'd decided to go easy this year. It would be quiet, it would be just the two of them, it would (at Jack's request) be at her house instead of his. They'd have Christmas Eve as the main event, with presents and a nice dinner (takeout; she just had to heat it up) and a good bottle of wine. And if there happened to be hot sex, Jack had said, well, that would be an extra special gift from Santa.

- Sam ‘n Jack, None Such in Paradise – nanda

They could bust him down to airman if they wanted, so long as he didn't have to watch his team die of animal bite, appendicitis, or any one of the hundreds of things that were so easily treated in the twenty-first century and so fatal here. Yeah, and okay, he'd kind of like a cold Bud and his favorite sweatpants, instead of flat weak beer and a short linen skirt. Jack really hated the skirts.

- Jack, Hanged for a Sheep – cofax

"Something broke through the south irrigation ditch again -- we're going to lose that plot." Sam pulled her headcloth off and scrubbed her hand through her hair. It was getting pretty long; she would have to cut it again soon. This time she'd ask Teal'c; Jack was not to be trusted with a razor.

- Sam, Not Exactly a Connecticut Yankee – cofax

Sam took the file back, and placed them neatly beside her as she pulled out a map. “As you can see here, the Daedalus has over 100 escape pods, a hyper-drive engine that could potentially decrease our time-travel velocity by 2.6%, forming a wormhole in half the time we even thought necessary with the formation of the event horizon, two rear thrusters, sub-light engines -”

“I’ll need that in General Dummy-Talk, Carter.”

“Sorry, Sir.”

Jack made a large, sweeping gesture with an arm. “Well?” Daniel looked at Sam curiously, while Teal’c merely sat there stoically.

“It’s even cooler than the Prometheus, Sir.”

“Thank you.”

- Sam, Jack, Daedalus Rebound - Phiremangston

“I mean, that even though the hive ships are all nice and blown up and happy now, there are still more of them out there. Countless, life-sucking aliens that are awake because of us.

- McKay, Daedalus Rebound – Phiremangston

"What the hell were you doing? Look at the carpet!"

He would really rather not. "I was changing the washer in your shower."

"So you decided to take one and test it out? Fully clothed?"

"Well… no." he wasn't that stupid. "It kind of… ah, exploded."

"What do you mean exploded?"

Oh yeah, totally gonna kick his ass. "The shower and I had a disagreement." That was the understatement of the century. "And the shower won."

- Sam, Jack, Water Works - venom69

Too many people were trying to talk to Jack at the same time and he just wanted to kill them all. Slowly. With a butter knife, duct tape and some gum.

"General, if I could just have a word…"

"How would you feel if we…"

"We really need more of…"

"Can you sign this please…."

"We need your opinion on…"

"Can we…"

"What do you think of…"

He was so gonna MacGuyver their asses.

- Jack, Rescue Me – venom69

Daniel stood there, hands jammed in pockets, eyebrows raised in inquiry. "I asked if you had a hot date tonight."

Jack's pen began a steady tapping. "Where the hell did that come from?"

Daniel shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. You turned down a hockey game with Reynolds tonight, you had your hair cut at lunch, you've been so distracted... " Daniel hesitated and his eyes shifted towards the ceiling in thought, his lips pursing. "Actually... that last part isn't that odd."

- Daniel, Jack, Side Effects May Include… - Jennghis Kahn (surrealphantast)

"So," Jack said, "about this chain..."
The priest gave too bright a smile. "Congratulations! You make a lovely couple."
Jack twitched, and Carter leaned forward menacingly.
The priest backed away. "Don't kill me," he said.

- Jack, alien priest, The Chain – Jemima Pereira


He's on vacation from saving the world. He lives on another planet and routinely fights alien bad guys with guns and lasers and space fighters. He's Han-fucking-Solo, complete with Princess Leia, Luke, Chewy, and C-3PO. Although there will never ever be a time in his life - torture or not - where he'll compare Chewy and Teyla aloud. There are many quick and painl[ess] ways to commit suicide. Comparing a woman to a 7-ft walking hairball isn't one of them.

- John (internal monologue), Quiet in the Morning - A.j.

I mean, if the show were a soap, Sam and Jack would have done it in season one, would be divorced by now and involved in a bitter custody battle over their (suddenly) 16 year old daughter who is secretly having sex with Daniel AND Teal'c.

- mandysbitch (cgb), commenting in her journal about post-Threads fan
accusations that the show is turning into a soap opera

"Well - happy birthday, Sir," Carter said, earnestly.
"Yeah - um - happy birthday," Jonas said.
"May you continue to strike fear into the hearts of your enemies for many years to come, " Teal'c said.
Jack raised his eyebrows. Nothing like a Jaffa blessing to really make an occasion.

- Sam, Jonas, Teal’c, A Birthday – cgb

"Jack?" Daniel cracked his eyes open and saw O'Neill's pale, set, furious face. "Sorry."
"Yeah, I'll bet." Jack's anger was astringent, like alcohol in open wounds. "Can you walk?"
"I mean in the sense of putting one foot in front of the other."
"Oh. Then no."

- Wounded!Daniel, Frustrated!Jack, The Good Wife – Julie Fortune

"Don't screw this up. The treaty – it's important."
Jack's dark eyes skimmed over him, didn't pause, went right back to the silent, closed, pale faces of the crowd. No weapons out there. No threats. That didn't take Jack's finger off the trigger, either.
"It was," he said. "Now it's not."
"Jack – "
"Shut up and bleed, Daniel."

- Daniel, Jack, The Good Wife – Jule Fortune

Side note: is danvers' Indiana Jackson series archived anywhere besides LJ?

Date: 2005-10-29 04:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Dear god, I had forgotten about that joke. Ha!

Date: 2005-10-29 09:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Heh. I'm pleased I made it into the quotes book - especially since most of my stories are only indirectly humourous.


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November 2012


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