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Here's why I read Stargate fanfiction (and, incidentally, why I watch the show in the first place).


Oh. My. God.

It can be dry, it can be subtle, it can be cheesy, and it can be juvenile, but the humor of SG-1 is what hooked me in the beginning, and it's what keeps me coming back.

And it's what keeps me coming back to SG fic.

"Hey, shut up. It's Christmastime, be merry, dammit."

- Capt. Tony Warren, The Andromeda Series - Alli Snow

"Daniel, you want another coffee?"
"I've had three already."
There was a slight pause. "Is that a no?"
"Er... get me another."

- O'Neill, Daniel, Theodore's Comet - Jojo

"Teal'c? New game?"
"We have not finished the previous game, O'Neill."
"Yeah, but I'm losing that one."
"I see."

- O'Neill, Teal'c, Theodore's Comet - JoJo

Goa'uld do not play good strip poker. If you try and tell them they lost this hand, they have this irritating tendency to blast you through the wall, and then take your underwear in retaliation. Never play strip poker with a goa'uld. Bad, bad idea.

- Graham Simmons (internal monologue), All Hailey - B. Cavis

He scraped his access card against the wall as he walked.


That certainly was an annoying sound.

Heh heh.

*scrape scrape scraaaaaape*

- O'Neill, Miscommunication - Michelle V.

Light flooded into the tiny room and they jumped apart as the door was flung open. Janet entered, looking extremely amused at the scene before her as they searched blindly for an excuse as to why they were in a storage cupboard together.

"We were just... er... looking for a..." Sam looked flustered.

"...spoon." Jack finished lamely, and Janet raised her eyebrows at the Colonel. "Can't go eating that christmas cake with our fingers..." he shrugged.

- Sam ‘n Jack, All I Want for Christmas – Nicky Chevalier

...Okay, so maybe 'brilliant' was a bit of an overstatement. Actually, I'm starting to think that 'plan' is also a rather optimistic description. 'Really idiotic way to get us both into incredibly huge amounts of trouble' sounds more fitting.

- Sam (internal monologue), Duty’s Argument – Nicky Chevalier

As luck would have it, the path back to the north wall led past the spot where, according to the plaque, the entrance to the labyrinth should be.

Daniel's impulsiveness got the better of him. He didn't normally suffer
from any misapprehension about being Indiana Jones. For starters, Indy
wasn't a compulsive sneezer, and if Daniel ever tried that neat whip-
thing, he'd probably end up garrotting himself ... But the fact
remained, the site of the entrance was right there, and so was Daniel
Jackson. Who, just by coincidence, happened to have a Mag-Lite on him.
How dangerous could it be?

- Go and Catch a Falling Star – Doc

"Ooooh, the weather outside is friiiightful -"

The caterwauling was drowned out by a pained chorus of "Danny! Shut!!
Up!!!", "Holy Hannah, Daniel ...", "DanielJackson, I entreat you to
desist", "Dr Jackson, please ...", "Jackson, put a sock in it!"

Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, Teal'c, Dr Janet Frasier,
Major Louis Feretti, and the offending Dr Jackson sat around a table in
the SGC's commissary, midway through the fourth hour of a Scrabble
tournament. The main challenge of the game so far had consisted of
stopping O'Neill from cheating outrageously. A short while ago this had
culminated in a drawn-out argument between him and Daniel about whether
or not 'Chulak' was a geographic name. The Colonel had had his sights
set on triple points for the 'k' and pulled rank on the archaeologist.
Whereupon a vengeful Daniel had proceeded to demonstrate to everyone
within earshot that he did indeed know a song that got on their nerves.
Daniel singing was trying. Daniel singing 'a capella' was traumatic.
Daniel singing 'a capella' and being on the fifteenth encore of the same verse was enough to bring Teal'c out of an advanced state of 'kel-no-reem.'

- Daniel, Jack, Sam, Teal’c, Doc, Feretti, The Weather Outside – Doc

I ended up doing a lot of locking down Jack’s house three months ago, with Sam so busy on the particle generator, but at least now he can say an ex-First Prime of Apophis has vacuumed his living room.

- Daniel (internal monologue), Not For Nothing – Tripoli

“Whoa, Doc. Where’d that come from?” Jack asked. To say he was stunned would be an understatement. He rarely saw Janet’s ire get raised this high. Hell, the threat of more needle pokes alone kept him in line back home. This was about much more than his not coming to the infirmary first, Jack suddenly realized. Aw, crap. This was more alternate reality twilight zone stuff. Jack had the sense that this was going to get ...squicky.

- Jack, Skipped Stones – Tere C.

All he could do now was suck it up and move on, see what he could salvage of his relationship with Carter, and then get back to work. They’d been okay this long by not knowing completely the other’s true feelings.

But, then he had to open his mouth. That funky taste in it was probably his foot.

- Jack, Skipped Stones – Tere C.

"Who cares? We win either way, either together in the new unit or staying as we are now. But I'd prefer married quarters in the new Unit." replied Jack, trying to drop grapes down her cleavage and then retrieve them.
"Yeah, me too." she sighed, pushing his hand away - eventually.

- Jack and Sam, Time Out – Ted Sadler

It had been quite difficult to disguise the locations of their many adventures together, and several civilians present were left wondering why so little had been published about the archaeological wonders of downtown Miami, and why the warring tribes of Sweden were so hostile to foreigners, and most of all why deep space radar telemetry left so many workers injured.

- Time Out – Ted Sadler

"Oh, yup. Okay, so 'Please excuse Cassie from school on the thirty first of February..." he still did not seem to notice his error. "Due to a severe case of... um..."
Sam looked up expectantly.
"Severe case of...?"
"Um, death."
"Jack, maybe I should be dictating this note," Daniel suggested.
"No! Put, 'death', Carter. That's an order."

- Jack, Sam, and Daniel, Parenting – Teardrop

By a series of obscure gestures, Janet told Daniel to go, too.....however the archaeologist was thinking about some artefact SG-6 had picked up and was a little slow on the uptake.
"Doctor Fraiser, why are you winking at DanielJackson?" Teal'c asked.

- Teal’c, Waiting – Ruth M. King

"Hi," Jack ventured.
"Hmmmm?" Daniel wasn't really paying any attention.
"Let me rephrase that....what are you doing in my house?"

- Jack, Daniel, Waiting – Ruth M. King

If Daniel was deliberately setting out to annoy Jack, he was succeeding.
"Sam and I are not having a fling!" Jack snapped.
"You just called her Sam."
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did."
Daniel sighed to himself, and wondered if beating his head against the gold embossed wall would actually be as painful as it sounded.

- Daniel, Jack, Trouble with a Capital P – Ruth M. King

He continued to stare suspiciously at the blue forest that surrounded him as the rest of his team and Jacob appeared. Each of them did the same, as a precaution. Even Daniel made a half-hearted attempt to look like he knew which end of his gun the bullets actually come out of.

- Weapon of Choice – Suz

Great, so...he was on his hands and knees, probably about to meet the choice end of a staff weapon, and he had to spend the last few moments of his life staring at Daniel's butt.

- Jack, Weapon of Choice – Suz

There were a lot of orders, a lot of heaving, a lot of "Dr Jackson, would you *please* stop helping?", and a lot of pulling things across the floor.

- Semiprecious – Suz

He was bored.
This was of no surprise to Sam, Janet, or anyone else who passed by the infirmary to pay him a visit. It was well known and well documented that Jack O'Neill had the attention span of a three-year-old.
Okay, Sam mused. That might have been a little unfair to the three-year-old.

- Semiprecious - Suz

"And what of Major Carter? She is still recovering from her injury."
Ouch. That was a low blow and Teal'c knew it. Pausing, Jack held up his right hand and pointed his index finger at Teal'c's nose. "*That*...was..."

- Teal’c, Jack, Losing Ground – Suz

Teal’c scowled and walked over to the mare, which was happily munching on some weeds. He reached out and took her reins, glaring at her when she tried to bolt.

“If we were on Chulak, I’d be eating you,” he murmured to the animal, turning and pulling her along as he followed Daniel and Jack and the Wrangler.

- Teal’c, Good Morning, Campers! - Neuropsych

“So... what’s going on with you and Sam?”

“What’s going on with you and Sally?”

Both men were silent for a moment, staring at each other.

“So... Talk’s over?”

“Oh yeah.”

- Daniel, Jack, Good Morning, Campers! – Neuropsych

His orders to push were as relentless as the contractions squeezing her muscles. Sam scowled at him the best she could, inwardly cursing whoever or whatever had decided to let her brother make it in time for the birth. He was early. The baby was on time. The timing sucked.

" Mark.. shut.. up.. I'll.. castrate.. dull spoon.." Her threat barely made it out between her gritted teeth.

" Hey!"

- Sam, Mark, Intervention – Jo R.

His face descended slowly towards hers, waiting for any sign, any signal that she was going to change her mind.
Just to give a small, ever-so-subtle hint that she wasn't, her right hand cupped the back of his head and yanked him towards her.

- Jack ‘n Sam, Sap – Suz

A loud, scraping noise followed by a slurred expletive in several languages announced the others below.
"Uh, Daniel's drunk and Teal'c's helping him find a place to fall down."

- Sam, The Scent of Violets - Lady Grey (In my opinion, this quote is the only good part of this fic. Then again, if you’re into non-con, feel free to track it down through the SGFA – 2004, I think. The longer I’m in this fandom, the more I realize that this story was actually not too terrible, considering some of the other crap that’s out there (I’d avoid Telkena’s fic, for example).

Dressed back in what she had worn to bed the night before, she laid
back down on the mattress and closed her eyes, exhausted. Sleep
coming in jagged, bitter pieces.

- Sam, He Went – Lisa Yaeger (Yeah, I know, it’s not a funny quote. But I love the imagery; I’ve been there.)

Corenn’s note: Okay, you should know this. Salieri is the Best. Wordsmith. In the fandom. Hands down.

Once, she'd told him that he was a texture addict, a compulsive caresser of the past. This was true. Intellectually, his passion was for the greatest treasures of human culture: books, tablets, scrolls, anything that could be inscribed with the magical stitching of letters, the minds of humans made visible and sacred in their concreteness, perhaps cradled carefully on a layer of reeds and wrapped in linen, sealed and preserved by the hot breath of the desert, protected in a box of stone from the rasp of the sand's grainy tongue. But viscerally, it was the common things- -the ladle, the pitcher, the hairpin, the pestle with its battered mortar--that stirred him, the objects fashioned by ancient hands for use, to be set down carelessly when someone called a name and wanted to be greeted at the door, casual things of dailiness that the ancient users thought little of but would have been irritated to be without, searching their shelves and bags with their brows furrowed. These things were special, their textures formed not by reverence but by abrasion, by brushing continually against the calloused and uneven surfaces of everyday life. In touching them, their shapes rough or worn smooth, Daniel felt the warmth of long absent hands.

- Leda, Daniel, Noise – Salieri

This was weird. Not just a little, but a lot. She managed to make
herself smile a little at the thought that he might say "way weird."
If he knew where she was and what she was doing, that is. Which he
didn't. He couldn't. Because he wasn't here. Which was why she was.
And that's where the weird part came in.

- Sam, Meeting Charlie the Prequel – Lisa Yaeger

Jack's hands closed into fists as if he could fight against unkind fate and the roll of the dice which dictated that he would be close enough to care but not far enough away to have.

- Honor Bound – Waving and Drowning - SelDear (I really love the wording she uses here)

"Now, I can't think of anyone that I would rather have as CO of SG-1.
If you want it, Sam, it's yours."

If she wanted it? Did Jonas like fruit? Had Teal'c practically
memorized the script to 'Star Wars'? Did Anise have fake boobs?
Hell, yes, she wanted it!!!

- Hammond, Sam, Somewhere Out There – Lisa Yaeger

You’re pathetic, you know that. Yet, for some reason, it doesn’t stop you from wanting him, it doesn’t make the word ‘sir’ hurt you any less. And it doesn’t stop you from hating every woman that looks at him twice.

Laira. Kynthia. Anise. Fre’ya.

Makes you wonder why you don’t have a hit list, doesn’t it?

- Sam (internal monologue), The Optimistic Pessimist – venom69

And since I'm no Fabio and I've never been real good at describing anything sexual without blushing--allergies, I swear--let's just say that clothing had become an option they obviously didn't consider necessary and if they were arguing the debate was pretty horizontal and pretty physical and pretty much mutual.

- Daniel (journal entry), The Stars’ Seduction – Ness

Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Divide and Conquer"

ANISE: Damn. I forgot to put almost all my clothes on this morning. Maybe no one will notice if I stay reeeally quiet.

- by O’Pipp

"Of course he's here," Daniel said. "He's got the regular team lead meeting this morning. Oh to be a fly on the wall for that one!"
"Why?" asked Sam as though she didn't really care.
"Jack's in a bad mood," Daniel explained, patiently. "And he hates those meetings even when he's in his happy place."

- Daniel, Sam, Frozen Hearted – Kath

In his defence, he imagines it's not entirely unexpected and probably quite normal under the circumstances. You don't work this closely with someone for nearly two years and not indulge a fantasy or two. Hell, even Teal'c looks cute after five days without sleep.

- Jack, Timely – cgb

Jonas was still in the middle of the room, hands over his eyes, counting to a hundred. Dressed like a hotdog.

- Jack’s observation at Janet’s Halloween party, Excuses, Excuses – Suz

She bounces up cheerfully. "Great! Jonas," she orders the blinking man on the bed, "watch Colonel O'Neill. Don't let him leave the Infirmary, or it's your butt Janet's going to chew. I'm going to get food."

Jonas nods and drops his head back to his arms, still mostly asleep. "Sure thing, Teal'c. I'll wash it. And I'll get the hard to reach places behind the ears and wheel wells."

"Good boy," Sam applauds, giggling to herself. "Sir," she adds, turning to him with a smile, "if Jonas tries to give you a sponge bath, call for help."

"Go get food, Major."

"Stay here or I'll kick you in the head, sir." She smiles and slips out of the room. He watches her go, then turns his attention back to the more important things in life.

"Jonas," he sing-songs, "time for school."

The alien groans and rolls over into Sam's warm spot. "Idonwannago!"

Oh, he is going to have so much fun with this.

- Sam, Jonas, Jack, Pipe Dreams, pt. 2 – B. Cavis

Peering inside he could see Jonas sitting at a desk, multiple books spread out before him. It was a sight Jack had seen countless times before...but with someone else. Someone with short brown hair, glasses, and an ability to come back from the dead no matter what grisly end finished him off this time.
He couldn't help it.
"I shall call him Mini-Daniel."

- Jack, Spoken – Suz

Exploration, as I would gradually come to understand, has its good days and bad days, just like everything else. Sometimes you arrive through a Gate to meet sunshine and smiling natives who want to feed you and generally be nice to you, and sometimes you hit the galactic equivalent of a wet Tuesday night in Butthole, Arkansas. Nevertheless, we were pushing back the boundaries of human knowledge. As the saying has it, we were boldly going where no man, woman, archaeologist or genetically altered human had been before. I felt obliged to say something meaningful. Something significant.

"Well, this is a dump."

Yeah. That covered it nicely.

- Jack, The Midas Syndrome – Rheanna

Teal'c just raised his eyebrow, "You care about MajorCarter," he stated.
It wasn't something that Jack was in a position to deny, "Go and Kel Nor Reem, Teal'c, an' leave me alone."
Jack lay on his back, studiously ignoring his friend. Any man who would voluntarily grow that kind of facial hair wasn't really worth listening to.
- Teal’c, Jack, Rockets and Shooting Stars – Ruth M. King

"O'Neill...Will you tell me the truth or accept my challenge?" Teal'c asked when they were all settled again.
Jack rolled his eyes at Sam, who broke into a fit of giggles.
"That's truth or dare, Teal'c!" Jack protested. "And I'll take the dare. We don't want any other 'truth's' tonight."
He got the feeling that Janet and Daniel were disappointed by his answer. Well, too damn bad. He wasn't about to let them in on his little secret. They'd make his life hell.
"Very well. O'Neill....I wish for you to swim across the lake....without the benefit of your clothes."

- Teal’c, Jack (the whole team and Janet as an audience), Rockets and Shooting Stars – Ruth M. King

Stay tuned for Part 2.

Date: 2005-10-27 09:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I enjoyed reading these so much - thanks for compiling them :)


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November 2012


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